Speaking Up, Speaking Out...
Against Domestic Violence

An awareness and visibility project around issues of domestic violence in various communities.


everything hurt

This is from Lauren*, this one a 20-year-old undergraduate college student in central New York. She is a white, queer/lesbian, upper-middle class woman, originally from Long Island.
*Name changed from original.

It's been a year and almost 10 months since I told her to leave.

On July 17, 2004 I started dating a girl while I was home for the summer. We got along great, I felt comfortable with her and it was fabulous. We dated for a month and two weeks before I had to go back to school. The week before I had to go back to school I saw her only a few times, and this week was the first week we had sex, and she took my virginity. I went back to school, we were apart for a week and half, and than she came to visit me at school. When she came to visit it was disastrous. Within the first two days she was here she had bitten me b/c I said something she didn't like. She stayed for about a week more b/c I didn't have the money to send her home.

Throughout this week we got into a lot of fights, almost every night. Also, every night she would try to touch me, touch my clit, even though I didn't want her too. She never actually did, but constantly tried. The second week she was only at school for 3 days. On Monday everything was fine until the evening. Monday night, around midnight, my roommate had gone to bed. My girlfriend was having a really hyper moment, she had ADHD, and was really awake. I took her down stairs so she wouldn't wake up my roommate. We were hanging out in the lounge, laying on the couch together and talking. We were originally laying next to each other, but she didn't like that and moved me on top of her. Now that I was laying on top of her she asked me if I'd ever kiss another girl, if they kissed me first. I told her no, and pushed off of her. I was mad at her because I would never do that to her and I had told her repeatedly throughout the week. She didn't like that I had moved away and she moved to lay on top of me. While she was laying on top of me she slipped her hand into my pants and told me she wanted to have sex. I told her no and she asked my why as she tried to move her hand further down my stomach.

I tried to keep her hand from moving down and kept telling her no, but she didn't listen. She finally got her hand to my clit and started rubbing it and playing with it. I'm not sure what happened next. I have kind of blocked out what happened between when she started to when it ended. I'm pretty sure she penetrated me with her fingers, but I'm not sure. At one point, people had come down to hang out in the other part of the lounge. She had stopped, but didn't move her hand. When they left, she started again. Eventually she stopped, but only when she saw that I was starting to cry. She moved her hand and got off of me. I rolled over to face the back of the couch and just cried.

Everything hurt, legs, vagina, abs, back, neck, everything hurt and I just couldn't stop crying. She told me that they made pills for that, so it wouldn't hurt when we had sex. I was so mad. I got up to leave and walked into a pole and almost tripped up the steps. She caught me and sat me down on a nearby couch. We finally went upstairs a little later and I crashed.

The next day I was so blah, and didn't know why. The next night my friend had told me that I didn't seem okay and asked me what was wrong. I told her that my girlfriend had been forcing me to let her touch me, I didn't realize at this point that she had raped me. Two days after it happened I had her kicked off campus. I started to spiral. I don't remember really what happened this past year, but I stopped sleeping and lost about 20lbs. About 6 months after it happened I realized had raped me, especially since I started having nightmares about being raped over and over again. It wasn't until this past semester, that I started eating and sleeping again. I'm still seeing a therapist, and am still not over what happened, but I'm doing so much better than I have been in the past year and 10 months.


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