Speaking Up, Speaking Out...
Against Domestic Violence

An awareness and visibility project around issues of domestic violence in various communities.

5.02.2006

I remember my anger

Both of these pieces were submitted by Heidi, a woman who chose not to include any other locaters other than her (gendered) name.


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I remember my anger
It was all about me
Selfishness and resentment ruled
The world seemed to revolve around my anguish
Yet all the while no one took notice
They couldn’t see what was eating me

I remember that face
In that instant I knew
We both went there with a plan
Neither were as the other thought
Just from the memory, my arm aches
For on taking my arm, he took my power

I remember that wall, that floor, the dead bolt
I remember the smell of the carpet, of mold and cigarette smoke
The feeling of disgust at every touch
The sound of his voice and the evilness in his eyes
The remote control and the open window
That voice

I can still feel his touch and his breath on every inch of me
I still feel the panic on waking up to the mystery
What happened then, for how long, I want to know yet I don’t
Then screaming, how could no one have heard me?
I remember the game, he was evil and cruel
I remember the pain

I fought him, I did! He left a mark from his belt
I felt at the brink of my very end
I didn’t want to be found dead that way
A headline in the news
When he pushed me to the floor I thought
This is it.

God’s very angels drove me home
Once in the shower I thought, I would never be clean again
I wanted to die, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think
Why this Lord? Again…I never thought it could be worse until that day
Now I know, it can always get worse
So now what?

Now I look back and remember
I remember everything in its hellish entirety
I feel afraid and weak
I am anxious and tormented
I cannot escape these thoughts, even in my slumber
These memories haunt me like an evil presence

I don’t know what to do with the memories
But to keep walking forward
I am a year past that day
So help me be farther away from that time
As every day passes

And let me never return to such a place.




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I hate what you did to me; I wonder if you had it planned or if you even knew what you were doing. Maybe that is how you were taught, maybe you did it just for control- frankly I don’t care. You hurt me and from that point on my life has been changed and not for the better thus far. I wonder if you have done the same to other girls, or if the same happened to you. I wonder if you think back to it and feel guilt or shame for it. I hope that the consequences for you are great. I hope that you know it made you a rapist. I wish that you knew that for every moment of your pleasure I felt pain and for every second after that you felt proud I felt shame. Because of a moment, a single decision that you made, I have spent years of my life engulfed in misplaced shame and grief. I hate the control that you have had over me, not just that night but for the past ten years. You once were my glimpse of hell, now you share your title with another. The two of you showed me evil in its purest form, cruelty and selfishness at their best. I look back and can imagine the angels and the demons fighting above us, why did you side with the demons? Did they whisper in your ear thoughts of power or pleasure, vengeance or charm? I can only hope that you now recognize such lies and deceitful voices. I hope so for the protection of the people who trust you now, that you will not do the same to them. You brought hate into my life, heartache would be considered kind compared to the hate that enchanted my being after you touched me. More than anything, I want you to know that you took my smile, my innocent laughter; my sweet unguarded joy.

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